TMI

Disclaimer: Today’s blog is full of TMI – Too much information. It’s about some of the things runners do not discuss with just anyone. Some of you may find it crude and unladylike. Some may be offended by it. If you are one of those individuals, please avoid this post. If you e-mail me and tell me how disgusted you are by it, I am just going to respond with “you were warned and you could have stopped reading any time.”

Last week, a friend asked me to run a half-marathon with her in the future. She suggested that we limit our bathroom breaks or better yet, try not to take one at all. I told her I usually do not have to take one until about mile 18-20. She was surprised, but I told her that’s what I have gotten used to. Of course now that I said that, I needed to empty my bladder by mile 14 on last Sunday’s 18 mile run. Why did I not have to go when I was running through Lambertville or New Hope where there were plenty of places to duck into? No big deal, I’m on the tow path, there should be somewhere I can go. Except, on the PA side the canal is lined with giant beautiful homes with ceiling to floor windows overlooking the Delaware River. I imagine dropping my running tights just to hear some 5 year old boy scream, “Moooooooooommmmmy! There’s a woman peeing in the canaaaaaaaaaaal!” I envy how men can just whip it out and go nearly anywhere without exposing everything they have. I look to the left at the river. It’s a steep drop down to the water, so there’s nowhere to go there either. I mean, I COULD just hang off one of the thinner tree trunks jutting out, but then I picture losing my grip and falling to my death with an exposed bottom; or worse, a fishing boat down below with some old man looking up and getting a view of my undercarriage. So I keep running. 

The problem with having a full bladder when running is that emptying it is all you think about. You’re no longer focused on your run or enjoying the beauty around you. All you think about is where you’re going to go. Every thick tree, brick wall, or giant rock has potential. The tow path goes beneath a few streets, so there are bridges to run under. PERFECT! But on the other side of EVERY bridge there is someone running or biking towards it. So I keep on running. Eventually, I jump off the path and find a convenient store. Of course this one does not have a public restroom. For a moment I imagine lifting my leg at the back corner of the building to mark my territory, but I don’t. I continue on back to the park where I started, I know there are restrooms there. The toilets are disgusting and require “the hover.” Do you know how difficult it is to execute the hover after running 18 miles? My legs are shaky and because I held the urine in for too long, it trickles out s-l-o-w-l-y. (Men don’t seem to experience this slow trickle problem. Good for them.) Each second feels like a 10 minutes and my legs feel like they are about to give out. I picture myself falling into this dirty toilet and think, maybe I should have just squatted when I first needed to. Then I picture the newspaper headlines, “NJ Woman Exposes Self to Toddler” and think no, this is the better option. This is just strength training for the thighs. I can do it, I can do it, I can do it.

That leads me to restroom activity number two. I once read about a marathon woman who was racing to the finish line. She either wanted to PR or she was trying to place in the top three. When she crossed the finish line, there were streaks of brown running down her leg. I have nothing terrible to say about that because I would be mortified and would not want anyone else talking about my “accident.” But I will say I am terrified of that happening to me, which is why I always carry tissues with me so that I can stop and do what I must. I have read a lot about this in several publications. When I first began to run, it seemed that I had to go within the first two miles. I eat better now and am more in tune with my intestines, so thankfully, it has not been too much of a problem since. I have run all the way home and just make it in time to the restroom; but there have been moments when I am holding in gas because I am not sure what is going to happen. I ask friends what they do. One friend replied with, “My daughter always asks if I pooped in the woods today.” Okay, woods it is! But you know what? I live in New Jersey, the most densely populated state in the U.S. According to Wikipedia, we have 1,189 inhabitants per square mile based on the 2011 Census. I usually run through neighborhoods. Do you think I am going to defile someone’s nice green lawn? And I can’t imagine anyone one letting a sweaty stranger in to USE their nice clean bathroom. Would you? The trails I run on are through parks, which are always filled with families or bikers. I could push my way through the woods but with my luck I will drop my pants and there will be some hunter hidden up in the tree with a bird’s eye view of my crack. This may be okay or some, but I am not about showing my goods to just anyone! (I know some of my readers are going to say otherwise, but giving birth and breastfeeding don’t count. Plus, I know you guys enough and don’t care what you have seen! Get over it. ) Thank goodness they are finally building restrooms along the trail.

Then there’s today’s “problem” that occurs every 28 days or so for women. The Universe likes to have a good laugh at my expense. For some unknown reason, Aunt Flo decided to pay me a visit one week earlier last month. I thought, on no, is this going to affect the marathon? Please say its not so. Sure enough, she followed suit this month, which means she will be running Boston with me. (She’s like a jealous woman who needs to steal everyone’s glory. I think she needs to work on that.) It’s not like I haven’t run with this before. However, I have never run long distances during the first two days of it. It’s not a complaint. It’s part of being a woman. It’s just slightly annoying, like the Facebook “Poke” feature. Okay, so maybe the universe is just trying to prepare me. Fine, I’ll work with it. I know everything happens for a reason. Apparently, running Boston as my first marathon is not enough of a challenge for me.

I need to have a conversation with Playtex. Their “Sport” Tampon box has a silhouette of woman running on the front of the box. I am thinking that green silhouette with the flowing hair must not run anything more than a 10k. I was only out there for two and a half hours, which is not a lot of time. Can I just say that I am so glad I was wearing my back tights and underwear? Do I even have to mention underwear? Yes, because one of my friends says she does not wear them on her runs. At first I thought, WHY NOT?! But then I thought maybe it’s a good thing. Nice and airy. After today, HELL NO! If you ever see me running, I will be wearing underwear under those shorts or tights. Anyway, I need to find a better product or I am going to have to plan on TWO pit stops. TWO! I have no problems with one. But TWO?! I am in the LAST wave, LAST corral. The last wave starts at 10:40 A.M. Which means the last corral will head out around 11 A.M. We have to be done by 4:45 P.M. to get a finishers medal. That’s 5 hours and 45 minutes to finish. I am sure I can do it in that time with one stop. I am not so sure I can do it with two stops. If I don’t get a finisher’s medal, then someone better be at that finish line with pie or I am going to be one upset woman. Mmmmmmm, pie………..

I am sorry if I grossed you out in anyway, but these are just a few problems people don’t really talk about when you’re new to running. It’s kind of like when someone gets pregnant and people tell the new mom about how wonderful it's going to be. They tell you the big things to expect being pregnant or while in labor, but they never actually mention the gritty things that occur throughout or while in labor that would mortify most people if they knew. All you mommy’s know what I am talking about. I don’t want to discourage anyone from running because I love it and I think most people would as well. Just be prepared for running long distances people (and labor if you're pregnant). BE PREPARED!

Thanks for sticking this one out. Please support my cause: Massage Therapy Foundation “Running for Research” on http://www.crowdrise.com/kathyborsuk.  29 days until Boston and I am so close but not quite there yet on my goal of raising $5,000.  Every dollar counts and is appreciated.  

Juggling a Life

How to Juggle...I have no idea how to do it, but I would love to know. Today I am exhausted and worn out. The lower half of my body hurts. I can’t walk properly. I am tired. My mind is not in a good place. It’s one of those days where I just want to find the highest cliff and jump off.  I feel completely incompetent as a wife, mother, business partner, friend, sibling, daughter, and volunteer. I want to crawl in a hole and sleep for days and avoid everyone and all responsibility. But I know these thoughts and feelings are just temporary. They shall soon pass and I will be back to my usual happy, hyperactive self. It’s just that today I am not feeling it. I am tired of trying. I am tired of doing what is right. I am tired of seeing the brighter side of every situation, the silver lining, the greener grass, or whatever you would like to call it.  That being said, I have trained myself so well on pointing out the positives that I can provide you with some nicer news. 

On Sunday, I finally ran my first official half marathon race. The E Murray Half Marathon, held in Lincroft, NJ. I have run just over 850 miles since January 1^st, 2012. More than 300 of those miles have been training for Boston. It may be a little bit backwards to be training for a marathon when I haven’t done a half race yet, but if have met me, you know that I don’t always follow conventional ways. (Feel free to analyze that however you want.) Gary suggested that I do it to see how I am doing with training and to get used to a large crowd. He and a few members of the running club were signed up for it, so I said sure. I got there really early because I did not preregister. That probably was not the best idea because as I stood there waiting for my friends to arrive, REAL runners were walking past me. These are people on college and state track teams gliding pass me in their swanky track team jackets. It’s nice to show team solidarity and be proud, but that is intimidating to newbies like myself. I tried to ignore them but they were like tigers in a cage pacing back and forth in front of me, waiting to bite my hand off if I reached out to touch. Okay, so they were just warming up, but that is what my head saw. So I ran to my car and to text friends to distract me. (Thanks everyone for your pep talks.) Gary finally texts me that they are in the gymnasium bleachers so I head to meet up with them and it helped A LOT!

It was pretty cold out and we were all jumping around trying to get warm. Ali, Joanne, Sue, Big Mike, and his friend were there. They were pretty relaxed and talking about what pace they would most likely run at and then we were off. I am pretty sure someone (Gary) told me this was a flat course. Maybe he didn’t, but I had it in my head that this would be easy. It was FULL of hills. Not too bad, but I was not really expecting it. I knew I was running at a slightly faster pace than I had been training, but it was okay. I felt pretty good despite the pain in my left calf. I blame the adrenaline and the NYC Marathon runner in front of me. I kept pace with him for a good 10 miles. Then there was the 77 year old man. He and I were neck and neck for at least 5 miles. He was a sweet man who started running 25 years ago. He told me to just enjoy the sights and sounds of the race….and then he kicked it into high gear, leaving me to eat his dust. Impressive Old Man, IMPRESSIVE! One day I will be able to do that. So at the end of it all, my official race time was 2:13:36. According to Endomondo (my GPS tracker) my 13.1 time was 2:11:41.Race time is what counts, but I take note of that 2:11:41 because that means I PR'd my half-marathon distance by more than 3 minutes.  Yeah me!

Funny Quote on another blog.

This was a bare bones race and we didn't get medals for finishing. It would have been nice to hang my first half-marathon medal on the wall; however, I got something better than a medal. Hard core Ali who never thought I could run called me a “runner.” That’s a badge of honor to newbies. When we start running, we never think of ourselves as a runner. Well, I don’t and neither do some others I have spoken to. We shuffle, move our feet and TRY to look like we are runners. I read some articles that say you’re a “runner” when you complete your first race. Another article said if you’re out there consistently, you’re a runner. So I could say, I have done both and; therefore, I am a runner, but when I see tigers pacing back and forth in front of me, my mind tells me that I am not. When I tell people that I am running Boston on a charity bib and they give me the “Oh, you’re one of those” comments, my mind says, “you’re not yet a runner.” But the fact is, I AM a runner. I get out there every week and push myself to do things I have never done before. I am out there before the sun comes up, when it rains, snows, sleets, hails. I love it when I am running. I feel good even when I am in pain. I may not be fast, but I am doing it. And I am running Boston for the Massage Therapy Foundation, which supports MY profession, which allows me to support my clients and community; which includes those individuals who don’t think I am a “real runner.” And, as I said before, Hard Core Ali called me a RUNNER.  You just can’t beat that label.

Sue, ME, Gary, Hard Core Ali, Joanne

Thank you to my friends at the Somerset Runner’s Group for supporting me and keeping me calm at my first half-marathon race.  You guys ROCK! 

Please support my fundraising efforts for the Massage Therapy Foundation: http://www.crowdrise.com/kathyborsuk.  Thank you! 

Running with Friends

I last left you with a disappointing 18 mile run two weeks ago.  I chalked it up to not having dinner, lack of rest the night before, and possibly some over training.  So I decided to take that following week off.  The only exercise I did were the burpees required from my 100 day challenge.  The following Sunday I was scheduled for a half marathon distance (13.1 miles).  I got a couple of massages, one specific to my calves and the other a full body relaxation massage.  I did not realize other parts of my body were not functioning properly until Holly applied a little bit of pressure.  Shouldn't I have caught this?! Sunday’s run was EXCELLENT! I felt brand new every step of the way and achieved a personal best time of 2:15:19.  That is just under a 2 minute improvement of a previous best time.  I was ecstatic.

I expected Monday’s recovery run to be painful, but shortly into my run, my calves relaxed and it was smooth sailing.  Thursday I worked on hill training and Friday was the “storm” run.  You know, “Nemo.” I did not work that day and went out later than usual.  During my 32 minutes, I ran through rain, sleet, hail, and snow.  I decided to cut the run short due to the hail pelting my face.  That really stings.  The important thing was that I got a run in. 

Me, Dale, Caroline, Gail

Me, Dale, Kim, Gail

A friend from a local running group asked me to join them on their run today.  Two of the women are also running this year’s Boston Marathon and 16 miles is on their training schedule.  Two others would join us a few miles in.  The ladies are Dale, Kim, Caroline, and Gail.  They would be running on some SERIOUS hills.  I want to run with them, but I am so intimidated.  These ladies have been running for years.  They are REAL runners, not some naive newbie.  They've all run marathons before, multiple ones.  One has even done an Iron Man.  There’s no way I can keep up with their pace. But I decide to just suck it up and give it a try. I did not sleep well and could not eat much of my breakfast because I was so nervous.  I park at a church a couple of miles out from Dale’s house.  Since my plan is 20 miles, I figure I could run to her house, meet up with them, and run back to get those additional 4 miles.  I step out of the car and my toes go numb.  How cold is it? It has to be in the teens.  It’s at least 5 degrees colder there than where I live.  It’s a beautifully wooded area so I whip out my camera and start snapping pictures along the run.  Yes, I took pictures.  Why not? I am thinking of taking pictures along the Boston course, so I better start practicing, right? My goal is to finish under 6 hours and HAVE FUN! It IS my first marathon after all, and it’s BOSTON! I want to remember every part of it. 

I don’t know the altitude, but it’s more than what I am use to.  It takes about a mile for my lungs to fully adjust.  (BTW, the highest altitude we were at was 626 ft. SWEET!) The hills are grueling.  More difficult than the hills I run by my house.  Kim charges up those hills like it’s no different than the flats.  The woman is crazy (and by that I mean impressive), but her doing this forces me to try to keep up.  The pace is a little faster than I like on the hills, but this is going to improve my performance, right? So I try my best to keep up.  We pick up Caroline and Gail along the way and I think, “Oh thank goodness, I can slow down now.”  We did, a little, but not by much.  That is okay though, I am adjusting to the speed… I think.  I go to take a sip of my water and guess what? The water is frozen.  Dear CamelBak, Your “Thermal Control Kit for extreme winter and summer conditions” must not mean anything under 20 degrees F. Thank you.  I tuck the hose into my jacket hoping to thaw it out.  Apparently, I do not generate enough heat while running to thaw out frozen water.  So Caroline gives me some of her water and Dale puts the hose in her shirt for a while, which works.  Even my Gu is hardening.  My lips feel dry so I try to apply lip balm.  Have you tried to scrape frozen beeswax on your lips? It’s supposed to be soothing.  Today it split my bottom lip. 

This is only the second time I have run in a group.  It’s nice to chat with the ladies along the way.  I learn which underwear is the best to run in, ways to hydrate, and post-run fuel.  I get t a lot of useful advice on running a marathon.  In our conversations, I discover the age of these ladies.  WHAT?!  I am WAY off. Could it be that running stops aging appearance at the age you start running? I am totally okay with that!  Seriously, I bet none of you could guess their ages.  (Don’t worry ladies, I won’t tell.)

After Caroline and Gail depart, I tell Dale and Kim to go on ahead with their pace, as I would be slowing down.  I run alone for the next few miles.  I analyze my body for aches and pains and then my mind wanders as usual.  Then that one hill that I already climbed to get to Dales house appears.  STEEP.  I did not like you the first time! Have I told you I don’t like hills? I start to doubt myself and question why I am doing this.  (BTW, this is also when my stomach starts growling angrily.  Hunger = cranky and negative thoughts.)  I work on changing my perception.  I think about all the reasons why I am running.  For me, yes, but also to set an example for my family.  For the American Massage Therapy Association, whom I am representing.  For the Massage Therapy Foundation, whom I am raising funds for.  The MTF; Paul pops into my head.  He is coordinating the MTF Boston Team and one of our contacts.  I joke around and call him a slacker because he isn't doing a training run.  (You know, just to see what it’s like).  I imagine him just waking up now, eating some bacon and eggs with his feet up on the table, while watching some silly Sunday movie like the Notebook.  I picture him looking at the time and letting out an evil laugh and he thinks of the MTF team members out there logging long training miles.  A puppet master.  It irks me enough to push my way up that hill.  At the top I yell, “Take that puppeteer! Now give me BACON!”  No bacon, so I down another Gu.  I have no idea what time Paul wakes up, or even if he eats eggs and bacon.  I doubt that he sees us the way I described, but these are just the crazy thoughts that run through my head that give me the edge I need to work through those moments of doubt.  Another mile later, Dale and Kim are heading in my direction.  Yeah! They show me Dales house and head in while I continue for two more miles.  My legs are now rebelling.  My thighs feel like tree trunks and my calves and beginning to seize. I alternate between running and walking.  On the way back to Dale’s house, I glance at my time.  I am 10 minutes from hitting the 4 hour mark.  Could I really get a personal best for my 20 mile run? I sprint as best I can until I my phone announces 20 miles.  I DID IT! 3:51:50! I beat my previous best time by 8 minutes and 59 seconds!

Thank you ladies for inviting and welcoming me on your Sunday run.  I feel incredible and you contribute to that.

Please help me with my fundraising goal of $5,000 for the Massage Therapy Foundation: http://www.crowdrise.com/TeamMassageTherapyFoundation/fundraiser/kathyborsuk
THANK YOU. 

2012 Resolution Complete

AMAZING! That is the word I am going to use to describe how I feel right now.  I set a goal of completing one 5k race a month for 2012 back on January 1st of this year and today I completed that goal.  I don't think I have ever stuck to any resolutions I made in the past.  I think I may have only made a few, but really I do not remember.  I know I have had a few short term goals, like giving up chocolate for lent way back in 1996.  I succeeded the one time I tried it, but refuse to do it again.  (Ask my family and business partners what I am like when I try to avoid chocolate.  "Nightmare" may be a good word.)  I made it all the way though the 100 Day Burpee Challenge and gained some nice looking arms and posture from it. (Maybe I should do that again beginning January 1st, 2013.  Who's with me?)  I cannot remember any other consistent goals I have made and achieved.  Certainly not one that lasted an entire year.  This is one I will never forget because it changed my life in so may ways.  Don't worry, I am not going to turn into a blubbering mess and talk about how and why.  I think you get the picture from previous posts.

For those of you interested in which races I actually did and my time, here they are:

Date	Race	Location	Bib #	Time
1/1/2012	Resolution Run	Hillsborough, NJ	158	36:21:35
2/18/2012	Sneaker Factory Hot Chocolate Series #3	Long Branch, NJ	171	31:46:02
3/18/2012	Get Your Rear in Gear	Philadelphia, PA	485	32:20:46
4/29/2012	Montgomery Run with Rotory	Montgomery, NJ	37	32:15:00
5/6/2012	Big Red Race	Lawrenceville, NJ	537	30:00:09
6/3/2012	Girls on the Run	Somerville, NJ	1329	30:33:02
7/30/2012	Running with the Balloons	Readington, NJ	68	30:45:02
8/26/2012	George Wah Memorial	Hamilton, NJ	398	30:47:00
9/30/2012	LiveStrong 5K - Princeton YMCA	West Windsor, NJ	852	29:15:06
10/28/2012	Pennington Get Bookin' 5k	Pennington, NJ	38	28:26:21
11/18/2012	Girls on the Run	Somerville, NJ	1293	29:59:07
12/26/2012	Boxing Day 5k	Hillsborough, NJ	None	29:17:00

I shaved a little over 7 minutes off my time from when I began.  That is certainly something to celebrate.  If you read the post "In the Beginning", you would know that all I wanted to for that race was to be able to jog the whole thing without walking (which I did. Okay, I shuffled a lot, but I didn't walk.)  From there it was just consistent practice. March's race I did with a friend.  She had only run on a treadmill up to that day and was concerned that she would be slow.  I told her we'd stay together no matter how fast or slow we went.  We had a wonderful time and she was amazed at our time.  I knew she could do it.  I loved the May race because they had kiddie races.  The children ran 25 and 50 meters and got medals for it.  (Fostering the love of running at the age of 3 and 5? Maybe.)

The June race was the first time I placed in my age group.  I really did not expect it at all and was set to leave after finishing as we had to be somewhere that afternoon, but my husband said we had to stay.  I insisted there was some kind of mistake, but there I was with a second place medal.  I told him it was because the parents and coaches were running with their young girls but if they had run on their own, I would never have placed.  He told me to shut up and just be happy for my placement.  (Okay, he said it in a much nicer way, but that's how it translated in my head.)  In September I finally broke the 30 minute mark.  That was another incredible celebration.  It was something I had always hope to get to one day and it was for a race that I had to raise money for as well.  Good community cause = double bonus.  The following month I placed 1st in my age group.  Again I was shocked and made comments like, it was a small race, but I was happy.  As Gary says, it's about who shows up, not the whole world.  Then there's today.

Today was the Official-Unofficial Boxing Day 5k Race. (Or is it the Unofficial-Official Boxing Day 5k Race?) What does that mean? Well, in November I looked for races scheduled in December.  The ones I found were on Saturdays.  I work all day Saturdays so those are out of the question.  There were two on a Sunday morning and I figured I would do one of them.  I did not sign up ahead of time because I needed to figure out logistics and make sure I had the money to enter the race.  Of course life happens and next thing I knew I had missed those two Sunday races.  Damn! I was going to sign up for the Peeps 5k Race in Bethlehem, PA, on the 30th, but then I needed to find someone to watch mom and the kids for me during that time.  Someone who was available and willing to drive out to PA with me.  That's when Gary suggested I run the Resolution Run course.  It's a USA Track & Field - NJ sanctioned and certified course.  He was willing to be the official timer and he put a message out to his running group and invited them to run with me.

I thought I would be the only one running this thing and then I saw someone in running gear.  Then another, and another.  I knew a few of the runners and others I did not.  Next thing I knew, there were 12 of us.  Twelve crazy nuts (and I mean that in the nicest way) standing there in 28 degrees of cold ready to run.  Most of them were wearing boxers.  Boxing day, wearing boxer shorts, get it?  Wish I knew they were doing that, I would have gladly been uncomfortable with boxers crowding my crotch as I ran as well.  I assumed they all knew each other, but they did not.  They greeted each other and then yelled, "Wait where's Kathy? We're doing this for her!" I wish I could remember all of their names because they were so nice.  They ran along with me and one another chatting as if we were already friends.  Then one runner introduced himself to another and they shook hands.  How does one do that while running without tripping? Why are they making me set the pace? Which way are we supposed to go again?

Funny side note on the pace....Gary told them I would be running an eleven minute pace.  I told him that was my pace because it was and is my marathon pace.  I didn't realize he was asking about my 5k pace.  Plus, I always get all anxious and fidgety at races that I just take off.  (I know, not the smartest move, but I can't help it.)  In addition, I felt like I had to run faster because they are all experienced runners who probably want to run faster.  (It's what's in my head, people.)  So to the gang, please do not be upset with Gary, it was completely my fault.  I was overly excited about the turn out, and the idea of finishing my resolution.

I have to say thank you though for the support I received.  Everyone was so encouraging.  They let me lead and then take off near the end.  When I started to slow down, they kept pace along side me telling me that I could do it and to sprint to the finish.  Then they held back and let me cross the finish line first to the cheers of my mother and children.  Gary presented me with a trophy for completing my 2012 Resolution.  You may be able to see in the picture it says "Hunterdon Half- 1st Place Age Group Male." It's from his Hunterdon Half Iron Sprint Triathlon.  He recycled it just for me.  So sweet.  And thank you to Gary for giving up his Wednesday morning to help me complete my goals and providing consistent guidance.  I have never run as a group before.  I am always intimidated by group runs.  Not really sure why.  I think I am afraid of letting people down when I can't make it to a scheduled run, or that I would hold the group back.  Today showed me that I really should reconsider that notion.  It was so much fun to run with others.  Chatting with others distracted me from my pace.  I knew I was pushing it, but it was still comfortable and I needed that push.  I also learned that I am not the only one getting aches and pains in my calves and that maybe I should change the insoles of my shoes.

I am thrilled to have completed this resolution with the support of family and friends.  I think for 2013 I will resolve to try one new thing a month and see where it takes me.  After all, I am headed to Boston all because I decided to run and then complete an application for something I thought would never happen.  Jump in with both feet! WHY NOT?!

If you'd like to support me in my Boston Marathon Fundraising Efforts for the Massage Therapy Foundation, please visit my CrowdRise Page.  Every donation is appreciated.

Roller Coaster Ride

It has been quite the emotional week.  After our MTF Team conference call, I was so excited to focus on my training.  I visualized my week to come and was looking forward to the holiday celebrations.  Then I saw the breaking news feed on my phone and quickly turned on the television.  Like nearly everyone, I was shocked and horrified by the devastation that occurred in Newtown, CT.  How could this happen? Why and how could anyone do this?!  I cried as I listened to the news reports and wanted to run out and pick my children up from school and daycare.  I knew they were safe and well cared for where they were, but I wanted to hold them and shield them, as if I could protect them forever.  What would I do once I got them home? They would find out eventually and I would prefer to tell them myself so that I could answer any questions they may have, but I just did not know what to say at that moment.  I thought about how excited Alex and Evan were for Christmas and how they had been asking for weeks to decorate the outside of our home.  I drove to the nearest store and purchased some outdoor lights and decorations.  With the help of a neighbor I put everything up and arranged Andy and Ella the Elves near the window so that it looked like they were the decorating culprits.  When the children returned home, they were surprised and excited to see the colorful lights.  That evening I explained in the simplest terms what happened to the children and teachers in Newtown, CT.  They asked a few questions and expressed their concerns, but they were not afraid to go to school, nor were they afraid of the world.  That evening, we all snuggled in our bed together.

Saturday morning, while at work, I received a message from my cousin that our grandmother had passed.  She was 89 years old and had been falling ill for some time, so it was expected, but still heartbreaking no less.  Between clients, my siblings and I worked on travel plans to get out to Missouri for the funeral later that week.  I spent the next few days working and taking care of holiday errands.  I had a mini-break down Monday morning after dropping my son off to school.  I did not sleep too well and stuck to my training on Tuesday and Wednesday, even if it meant waking up super early to get everything done. 

The funeral was simple and beautiful.  Grandma lived a long life.  She worked hard from a very young age, never giving up when obstacles jumped in her way.  Never showed how tired she was, and never bothered with people’s nonsense.   In her later years, she traveled the world and really enjoyed the life she put on hold for so long.  It was a beautiful tribute, and it was wonderful to reconnect with my cousins, aunt, and uncles.  I had not seen anyone from that side of the family since 2008 for my father’s funeral.  I missed them a lot.  The bright side of this unfortunate trip; I got to have some bonding time with my little sister…who, by the way, is much taller and spunkier than me.  Yes, spunkier.  We also got to share some fresh, hot Krispy Kreme’s with our brother.  Yes, I know doughnuts are not part of my training, but they were warm, gooey, and delicious! Can you blame me for having a dozen?  

Friday morning my sister and I woke up early to drive to St. Louis from Springfield so that we could catch our flight home.  That’s when I discovered that the son of an old high school friend died earlier that morning.  He was only 10 years old.  He had spent the last three and a half years of his young life fighting cancer.  I never met him, but loved to read about him on her Facebook wall.  He seemed like a fun, bright young man who loved so much about life, even before the cancer.  My heart felt heavy as I thought about what my friend, her husband, and her other children were going through.  And yet, there was such an amazing show of love and support from family and friends from all over on Facebook for the family.  From people she’s known from infancy, to new connections. 

I missed my run on Friday.  Life never slows down, regardless of what goes on around you, and so I went about my obligations.  On Sunday I set out for my long run.  The first half was a struggle.  My turn over was slow, my claves tightened, my mind was bouncing from one thought to another, and my heart ached from the emotional rollercoaster of the past week.  I cried on my run.  The last time that happened was about a year ago when I started running from the mess and stress of my life at that time.  By mile seven, I felt better.  My feet moved a little quicker, my calves loosened a bit, my mind calmed down and my heart felt lighter.  I reminded myself that all these things are a part of life and it’s the universe’s frustrating way of teaching us how to adapt. 

It is the last hour of Christmas day.  I think about where I was when I started running.  Life was so different then.  I was miserable.   I think about how far I have come and how I got here.  I lay here with my family, counting my blessings.  I have so much to be thankful for.  I think about my high school friend, my aunt and uncles, and the Newton, CT families.  I wish for their hearts to heal.  I hope they will be able to make sense of it all and find a way to channel these devastations into something positive one day.  I hope one day they can find peace.  I hope the New Year will be better for everyone.  Merry Christmas friends! 

In the Beginning

For those of you who do not know me personally, you wouldn't know how I used to hate running.  In high school I would choose the gym activity that had the least amount of running involved.  Things like volleyball, weight lifting, gymnastics, and floor hockey.  Okay, there's quite a bit of running involved in floor hockey, but I always volunteered to be the goalie.  (As I remember a pretty good one too, but I am sure friends would tell you otherwise.)  I would rather take a puck to the face than run after one.  The point is, I NEVER liked to run, and when I tried, I was terrible at it.  So how is it that I am on my way to the Boston Marathon? It started with a slump.

I think my downward spiral began when my father passed away in the fall of 2008.  We were not close.  Our relationship was strained.  We did not talk very much in his final years.  His death was a surprise and yet it wasn't.  It brought out a lot of emotional baggage that was locked away in hidden caverns.  I was 7 months pregnant with my second child.  Part of me was saddened by his passing, and the other part was relieved.  After the holidays, I assumed I would have time to prepare for the birth of my daughter.  She had other plans and decided to grace us with her presence two weeks early.  So much for quality time with my little boy.  It was a fast and entertaining experience, which is appropriate for some other blog.  One month later, my husband received a promotion which required us to relocate to Virginia.  Here I was with a toddler and an infant packing our apartment on my own.  We had some wonderful times in VA.  We did a lot of exploring and made some friends, but I went from being a working mom to a stay-at-home mom in an unfamiliar place and no family.  There are only so many times one can sing the Wiggle's "Hot Potato" before going insane.  Eight months after our arrival in VA and after I finally unpacked the last box, my husband got transferred back to NJ.  So off he goes and there I was packing on my own.  Again.  With two little ones.  Because it was just two weeks before Christmas, we opted to stay in a hotel until we could find a place to live.  Six months later, we bought a foreclosed townhouse that needed some repairs.  First, living in a hotel for six months sounds like fun.  It is not.  Especially with kids and no kitchen to cook from.  Second, buying an "as is" home from a bank is one giant headache.  

Despite the hassle of banks and mortgage companies, we were thrilled to have a place to call our own.  We fixed and painted it to make the property habitable and moved in.  We were there for three months before we needed to move my mother in with us.  She has Alzheimer's and it got to the point where she just couldn't be on her own anymore.  Months later, my husband lost his job. I worked a lot but still could not keep up with the bills.  We were drowning.  The stress was mounting and my marriage was crumbling.  The kids were feeding off the stress and acting out.  Mom's behavior grew more childlike everyday.  I was losing my temper constantly.  I cried everyday.  I saw a psychologist and she told me I had "Caregiver's Stress." My husband and I saw a marriage counselor but she kept having us point out the negative things in one another...as if we weren't already doing that at home.  (Btw, how is that supposed to help?)

One sleepless night in December 2011, my brain conjured up an image of me running through the park nearby.  The image was of me breezing along a path, light as air, singing "tra, la, la."  I laughed at the idea because as I said before, I hated to run.  Plus, I don't "tra, la, la" when I am miserable.  The next morning, despite my reservations, I took off for a run.  I was running away from my life without running away from my responsibilities and it felt good. Then, 0.25 miles in, I stopped and gasped for air.  How can I be out of breath?! I'm fit! I work out. How pathetic am I that I can't get through my neighborhood?!  I walked for a couple of minutes then jogged again.  This walk/jog continued for what I thought was four miles.  In reality it was just under 2.  Silly me.  But the following week I did it again.  

Then I ran a New Year's Day Resolution Run.  My goal was to be able to run the entire course without walking.  I didn't care how slow I went, as long as I maintained a jogging or shuffling motion.  I did it with a time of 36:21:35.  I was excited and my family was there at the end to congratulate me.  In fact, my kids jumped in at the last minute and crossed the finish line with me.  For the first time in a while I was happy.  That day I made my 2012 Resolution...to run one 5k race a month.  

The Call

This morning I received a voice message from Paul S of the Massage Therapy Foundation just before I went out for a 10 k run.  I contemplated calling him before heading out, but I was pretty sure why he was calling.  Last month I sent in an application to run the Boston Marathon on a charity bib.  Two thoughts crossed my mind: He's either calling to say, "Congratulations, you're running!" or "Thanks for your application, but we have chosen another applicant." There are pro's and con's to both responses and at that moment, I just wanted to get a run in as I had been slacking for the last two weeks.  The trail run was not great, but it felt good to be out and daydream about Boston.  First thing I did upon my return home was to call Paul and hear those exciting and frightening words: "Congratulations! You have been selected to be a part of our Boston Marathon Charity Team!"

Everything went still and I stopped breathing for a few seconds.  Did he just say what I thought he said?  Am I hearing this correctly? I applied hoping I would be selected, yet thinking it would never happen.  This was one of those, "I would regret not trying" situations.  We discussed what will occur the next couple of weeks and at the end of the conversation I did my happy dance which consisted of the running man, the cabbage patch kid, the shuffle, and some parts of the Gangnam Style dance. I called Ted, my husband.  I texted my BFF, my business partner (an Iron Man and now my coach), and a few other people.  I posted an excited but not so revealing message on facebook and then began to panic.  

I started running less than one year ago.  I have never run in a marathon.  I only just ran my own personal marathon a few weeks ago.  Boston is a BIG DEAL! Qualifying time for women in my age group is 3 hours 40 minutes! I am going to be in the same race as some of the most amazing athletes in the world.  WHAT WAS I THINKING?!  Wait, I know. I love running. I love the peace and quite. I love the endorphins.  I love being amazed at the things the human body can do...especially my own body.  And I LOVE an exciting challenge.  I am honored to be selected to a part of the Massage Therapy Foundation Team running in the 2013 Boston Marathon.  I AM SO EXCITED!